Broken at 8 years old

At 8 I was broken. I was broken more than I knew. So much so, I had no idea how to begin to share it with anyone. I was at such a young age to go through so many emotions. So, I did what I knew best to do. I hid those broken feelings, I never spoke about my brokenness. It was a burden that I didn’t want to put on anyone else’s shoulder.
By age 15 I was completely lost. I was crying, I was sick, I was “acting out” (yelling at my mom, smaller issues became bigger to me) things of that nature. I could no longer control ANYTHING going on in my head so I won’t get started on trying to control my actions. The reoccurring thoughts and anger, I still felt that I could handle ALL of that. It was nothing new to me. What was new to me was a new overbearing feeling of “no self worth, no need to be with my family anymore”. Everything I had spent the last few years hiding and running from, making myself believe I was okay from, had finally taken it’s toll on me mentally.
I was tired!

As I sat behind my bedroom door, hearing every conversation outside of my room. Friends talking, family interacting, and here I am ALONE. “Perfect time” is what I thought!

IT WAS DONE! A bottle and a half down my throat.
NOT ONE SECOND THOUGHT! Little did I know, this was just the beginning. My sorry attempt was not a success. I had no idea this is when I had to fight more than I’d ever fought before. Not knowing if and when the “perfect time” would present itself again. But, what I DID know was that my family loved me, and my friends needed me. At anytime the “perfect time” would show its face, we were ready. I was no longer alone in this battle. But the most revealing reward of it all was that I was now a SURVIVOR!!
Time went on, years went by. Around the age of 26 I was having these uhmmmm “perfect time” feelings again. Now by this time, I have a family, a husband and career and life was going great. There had been you know, life’s ups and downs but nothing to necessarily bring these feelings back. I didn’t understand. After so long. So many trials I had overcome. And here I am AGAIN. Fighting my physical battle with sickle cell as well as my mental battle. “Yeah I need help with this”. Time to get back into counseling, therapy, and even medication at this point. I say all of that to say this. It’s not going to be easy. Some of us will always worry about the “perfect time”. But none of us are ever and will never be in this alone. There’s lots of things we deal with daily, mental things that we sometimes can’t control. I know it’s hard, the days are long. It may seem like there’s not an answer in sight, but SUICIDE is not it! You’re here for a reason and you have more fight in you than you could ever comprehend.
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